i have to admit…

the other day I was looking at my myspace….and I was seeing numerous posts from my friends still living the college life…Posts about being finished with finals…about the sweet relief of being finished and being able to  be at home for a whole month! 

I realized at this moment….that I was jealous…I was jealous and I wished that I still went to school….

Now I thought I would be exstatic when I graduated and received my bachelors degree….I would no longer have to do homework, write papers, get up early to walk in the cold flagstaff morning to class….I thought it would be amazing.  I could be a grown up with only work to keep me busy.

Now I am realizing that school although stressful had a certain freedom about it.  You could do what you wanted when you wanted.  You could skip class.  You could have nap time inbetween class.  Your day was cut up into bits and pieces.  It was amazing.  The weekend could last forever when you had no friday classes! And late monday classes….I have come to realize I LOVE being a student and I miss those days.  Those days when class was cancelled.  When you did not have to deal with people.  You could just sit in class…listen or not listen….

I miss the days when I could decide last minute to take road trips and drink and drink and drink. 

I miss college….my old dear friend and enemy…..you win I never thought I could or would miss you. But I do.

my comic is better than jessi’s lol…

i enjoyed it...

actions speak louder than words…

enough said.

edited thoughts

i want to do something outlandish…like get a tattoo or a piercing or something out of my realm of normal..i feel like i have been dealing with too many things lately and i need a distraction from my normal…well not normal exactly…but from what i tend to do…

there’s been too much change lately and emotional upheaval in my life lately and when i feel this way i want to do something slightly painful to comemorate or distract my emotional dilemmas i have spinning throughout my head….

i think too much.

well dwell too much on things i can not change….and then while i am dwelling i tend to take horrible care of myself..my eating goes out the window…and i tend to get a bit obsessive

terrible i know. but it’s a part of who i am. at the moment anyway–well that’s a  lie but i liked how it sounded in my head.

i do not know what to do with my thoughts. i do not know what to do with this new grown up life i am “trying” to pretend to be in…i can not deal with my new ghosts or the old shadows i drag behind me.

i have a lot of emotional baggage and it tends to give me stomach aches.

the problem is  that i have trouble putting all the different forms of “rachel” into one person….my care for my friends…goes way above and beyond..i will forever be stretching myself too thin and wondering why i always allow myself to do that…

and no i dont think i’ll ever be able to protect myself from the pain i inevitably inflict upon myself because of WHO I AM…i think i just have to find a way to be ok with that.

all i am trying to say is…well i want to let all this out…i want to be ok…but i have trouble dealing with…everything i tie myself to and i will never quit tying myself to things that hurt me.  i just always care too damn much for everyone and everything in my life..and that scares me more than you will ever know.

first attempts….

So I dedided to try this whole blogging thing and see where it takes me….I am a struggling girl coming face to face with the fact that I am in fact considered a grown up.  I am a college grad who just moved to phoenix to find her place….and I am not sure how I feel about my own attempts to become a grown up.  I personally don’t believe I am one.  Facts aside that I am at an age where most consider me to be one (22yrs), that I have in fact educated myself (B.A in English from Northern Arizona University), and worked to overcome obstacles in my way I still feel like I am pretending.  It’s like I haven’t changed since hitting puberty and I am sure my sistes would agree…but only because it keeps them younger if I never grow up.

So I am struggling with coming to terms with all these changes.  Attempting to find a “grown up job” that I can see myself in and liking.  I realize that not everyone loves their first job, or even their current job for that matter.  But that fact remains that I would at least like to have some warm feelings towards it.  I feel that, that would allow or force me to start accepting the fact that I am a grown up instead of running away from it.  I am afraid this is never going to happen and I am going to get stuck in a dead end job, hitting myself because I allowed it.  Hence why I moved to phoenix.  To force myself out of my comfortable serving job and onto a different path that would make me utilize my degree and dreams.  I’ve only been living in phoenix a couple of days and while i do enjoy parts of it, I do not enjoy the getting lost aspect that I personally excel at.  I have the worst sense of direction ever….let’s just say it does not help me to learn my way around but the garmen,toots, does….no matter how many turns I miss she will get me back on track to my destination.  Hopefully one of these days I’ll find a real life toots, who will help me find my final destination or at least the road to point me in the right direction.

loss

 

 

sometimes things happen that make you wonder why….things that make you question your surroundings….stop and think about life….

this last week my nannie (grandmother) died…she was an eighty two year old woman who fell asleep in her chair reading..as she did most nights…a fire started and she breathed in too much smoke…

i am grateful i got to say goodbye…that i was able to take a flight and see her before she passed.. the next day, but really that does not help the sense of loss i feel…I lost a strong, magnificant lady that taught me how to push my own bounderies and go past what i believed my own limitations are….

I really don’t know what else to say about what i am going through…i just felt like writing…this past week and weeks to come are going to be difficult…no matter how much i tell myself that my nannie is happy to be with my pop again…her true love…i will miss her and the memories i will not be able to make with her…

It was so hard to go to the gravesite…she was being buried with my pop…whose funeral i also went to when i was nine…i never realized how hard it would be to not only deal with her death but almost relive his….two people that shaped me from my childhood…i miss them both…

they were both such wonderful people and truly unique..i treasure the memories and pictures i have from the time we had together.  i’m just sad for the people they won’t meet and the celebrations without them.

If i could say anything to her at this moment it would be thanks for teaching me to be more than i thought i ever could be and to rely on myself…i’m just sorry it took me almost thirteen years to realize what you are/were trying to teach me.

honestly it was amazing to see how many people cared about her…and all the different roles she was for all the people that came to pay their respects….i so wanted to ask her high school friends what she was like…to see who she was when she was a teenager….

I was able to talk to some of my cousins..and her children..and hear the stories of how she ruled with an iron first but also loved with abandon…it was nice to hear the stories..and see my extended family that i never see…i just wish it could have been under better circumstances altho i know she was smiling down..with pop at her side…to see everyone together

In her room i found a book of poetry…and one of the poems in it reminded me of her…i think i’ll end this post with it.

An Elder Lady by Anne Noland

Your beauty

is not

old,

it has

aged,

Something

turned

inside

out,

Tolerance

has

become

your

head dress.

The jewels

of your

crown,

shine now

upon my

youth.

i am just a girl

I am just a girl…a girl that feels like she SHOULD be superwomen.  A girl that feels like she needs to take care of others….and feels like the attempts at taking care of herself are futile…

A girl that needs a job….and a life of her own with some relaxation thrown somewhere in there….i need one happy thing..one thing that is going well or even slightly according to plan.

I need to not feel like a crazy person between the calls from my current boy and the ex.  Not that either of them are terrible people i care about them both…in completely different ways…but their phone calls do not calm me.  My boy…is way too sad without me…i need him to be someone i can turn to at this moment and i feel like i have to be the comfort for him….and that he isnt even himself these days…and i understand that different people deal with situations differently..i feel like in every situation with everyone i know i am the point of strength or the rock in my relationships friendships included and i can’t be that all the time….i just can’t…especially when you are the one that hurt me…you did it.  take responsibility and then try to pick yourself up….am i the only one that feels this way?

the ex tends to call whenever i am getting close to the lowest point and i just dont want to talk about the relationship shit or family crap i have going..bc what is the point.  i dont know why anyone would be drawn to me at this point…i am not fun to hang out with when i am trapped in my head like this…talking in circles and speaking about absolutely nothing.

I am trying to give this phoenix move a chance…i am trying to give so many things a chance…

why does everything seem futile?

But the more i try the more i feel like i am i am failing

people say god never gives you more than you can handle and i’ll admit we haven’t been on the best of terms lately….but is that really a reason to give me oceans full of things i can’t handle? i feel like i am the wicked witch of the west’s sister..i have a house on me and it is full of things i can’t handle….but in my case i can’t die and i’m just trapped underneath this house..and if that’s not enough a bird lands on it and another…and somehow an elephant also finds it’s way up there and then noah’s complete ark filled with animals!

seriously. can i have a break?

i’m just wondering

i was just sitting here and contemplating “type” i never really much thought about the fact that i have a “type” of person i am drawn to, like, or date….i always thought i was one of those girls w/o a “type” that i did not have a box i try to fill in.  I figured out that I am wrong…clearly mistaken.  Oh i have a “type” all right-it may not be a physical “type” but it is a mental type…

Traits of boys i like…

i like boys that smoke….that are the leader in a group….that are ok with showing their feelings and that are comfortable being the driver….i like boys that come from families that are broken….boys that are close to members of their family and have siblings.  i like boys that pay attention so that when they want to hurt me, and undoubtedly it will happen, they know where my weakness is and can hit it straight on in one swing of the hammer.  i like boys that need me.  that show how much they care….boys that aren’t very good on the phone bc they would rather see you in person. boys that all know how to make me crumble by hurting me in the same place as the last one did. boys that make me wonder how strong i am soppose to be exactly….

did i mention i like smokers..i am drawn to them…but i hate smoking despise it. a boy that wants to be with me will quit or say he has quit and will inevitably do it again…causing the hole or gauge mark in my heart left by another to reopen.  i am drawn to guys that dont believe they are smokers hence why i end up with them in the first place.

i love boys that can find a blemish on my heart, rip it and ruin all the healing i was doing.

boys that hurt me and love me..and then i am always left wondering what i am soppose to do not only with them but the mess that they make of me.  am i soppose to just let it slip down my back forget about it? move on?

i like boys alright.