i am just a girl

I am just a girl…a girl that feels like she SHOULD be superwomen.  A girl that feels like she needs to take care of others….and feels like the attempts at taking care of herself are futile…

A girl that needs a job….and a life of her own with some relaxation thrown somewhere in there….i need one happy thing..one thing that is going well or even slightly according to plan.

I need to not feel like a crazy person between the calls from my current boy and the ex.  Not that either of them are terrible people i care about them both…in completely different ways…but their phone calls do not calm me.  My boy…is way too sad without me…i need him to be someone i can turn to at this moment and i feel like i have to be the comfort for him….and that he isnt even himself these days…and i understand that different people deal with situations differently..i feel like in every situation with everyone i know i am the point of strength or the rock in my relationships friendships included and i can’t be that all the time….i just can’t…especially when you are the one that hurt me…you did it.  take responsibility and then try to pick yourself up….am i the only one that feels this way?

the ex tends to call whenever i am getting close to the lowest point and i just dont want to talk about the relationship shit or family crap i have going..bc what is the point.  i dont know why anyone would be drawn to me at this point…i am not fun to hang out with when i am trapped in my head like this…talking in circles and speaking about absolutely nothing.

I am trying to give this phoenix move a chance…i am trying to give so many things a chance…

why does everything seem futile?

But the more i try the more i feel like i am i am failing

people say god never gives you more than you can handle and i’ll admit we haven’t been on the best of terms lately….but is that really a reason to give me oceans full of things i can’t handle? i feel like i am the wicked witch of the west’s sister..i have a house on me and it is full of things i can’t handle….but in my case i can’t die and i’m just trapped underneath this house..and if that’s not enough a bird lands on it and another…and somehow an elephant also finds it’s way up there and then noah’s complete ark filled with animals!

seriously. can i have a break?

i’m just wondering

i was just sitting here and contemplating “type” i never really much thought about the fact that i have a “type” of person i am drawn to, like, or date….i always thought i was one of those girls w/o a “type” that i did not have a box i try to fill in.  I figured out that I am wrong…clearly mistaken.  Oh i have a “type” all right-it may not be a physical “type” but it is a mental type…

Traits of boys i like…

i like boys that smoke….that are the leader in a group….that are ok with showing their feelings and that are comfortable being the driver….i like boys that come from families that are broken….boys that are close to members of their family and have siblings.  i like boys that pay attention so that when they want to hurt me, and undoubtedly it will happen, they know where my weakness is and can hit it straight on in one swing of the hammer.  i like boys that need me.  that show how much they care….boys that aren’t very good on the phone bc they would rather see you in person. boys that all know how to make me crumble by hurting me in the same place as the last one did. boys that make me wonder how strong i am soppose to be exactly….

did i mention i like smokers..i am drawn to them…but i hate smoking despise it. a boy that wants to be with me will quit or say he has quit and will inevitably do it again…causing the hole or gauge mark in my heart left by another to reopen.  i am drawn to guys that dont believe they are smokers hence why i end up with them in the first place.

i love boys that can find a blemish on my heart, rip it and ruin all the healing i was doing.

boys that hurt me and love me..and then i am always left wondering what i am soppose to do not only with them but the mess that they make of me.  am i soppose to just let it slip down my back forget about it? move on?

i like boys alright.

first attempts….

So I dedided to try this whole blogging thing and see where it takes me….I am a struggling girl coming face to face with the fact that I am in fact considered a grown up.  I am a college grad who just moved to phoenix to find her place….and I am not sure how I feel about my own attempts to become a grown up.  I personally don’t believe I am one.  Facts aside that I am at an age where most consider me to be one (22yrs), that I have in fact educated myself (B.A in English from Northern Arizona University), and worked to overcome obstacles in my way I still feel like I am pretending.  It’s like I haven’t changed since hitting puberty and I am sure my sistes would agree…but only because it keeps them younger if I never grow up.

So I am struggling with coming to terms with all these changes.  Attempting to find a “grown up job” that I can see myself in and liking.  I realize that not everyone loves their first job, or even their current job for that matter.  But that fact remains that I would at least like to have some warm feelings towards it.  I feel that, that would allow or force me to start accepting the fact that I am a grown up instead of running away from it.  I am afraid this is never going to happen and I am going to get stuck in a dead end job, hitting myself because I allowed it.  Hence why I moved to phoenix.  To force myself out of my comfortable serving job and onto a different path that would make me utilize my degree and dreams.  I’ve only been living in phoenix a couple of days and while i do enjoy parts of it, I do not enjoy the getting lost aspect that I personally excel at.  I have the worst sense of direction ever….let’s just say it does not help me to learn my way around but the garmen,toots, does….no matter how many turns I miss she will get me back on track to my destination.  Hopefully one of these days I’ll find a real life toots, who will help me find my final destination or at least the road to point me in the right direction.