edited thoughts

i want to do something outlandish…like get a tattoo or a piercing or something out of my realm of normal..i feel like i have been dealing with too many things lately and i need a distraction from my normal…well not normal exactly…but from what i tend to do…

there’s been too much change lately and emotional upheaval in my life lately and when i feel this way i want to do something slightly painful to comemorate or distract my emotional dilemmas i have spinning throughout my head….

i think too much.

well dwell too much on things i can not change….and then while i am dwelling i tend to take horrible care of myself..my eating goes out the window…and i tend to get a bit obsessive

terrible i know. but it’s a part of who i am. at the moment anyway–well that’s a  lie but i liked how it sounded in my head.

i do not know what to do with my thoughts. i do not know what to do with this new grown up life i am “trying” to pretend to be in…i can not deal with my new ghosts or the old shadows i drag behind me.

i have a lot of emotional baggage and it tends to give me stomach aches.

the problem is  that i have trouble putting all the different forms of “rachel” into one person….my care for my friends…goes way above and beyond..i will forever be stretching myself too thin and wondering why i always allow myself to do that…

and no i dont think i’ll ever be able to protect myself from the pain i inevitably inflict upon myself because of WHO I AM…i think i just have to find a way to be ok with that.

all i am trying to say is…well i want to let all this out…i want to be ok…but i have trouble dealing with…everything i tie myself to and i will never quit tying myself to things that hurt me.  i just always care too damn much for everyone and everything in my life..and that scares me more than you will ever know.